A friend told me I should write again because they miss reading my blog and they think it’d be very interesting to look back to see how life goes at a given time in life. I agree with them, but also told them it’s hard for me to find enough time and energy to sit down and write a coherent post. Changes sweep through my life like a tornado this year, leaving me with chaos to cope with.
I started a new job 1.5 months ago remotely, but I’m moving to work in person soon. “Soon” is in two weeks when my belongings will be packed up in a crate and transported to my new “home” a couple of states away. “Soon” is in a month when I split my time between Iowa and my new “home” while trying to work my full-time job and spending as much time with my beloved ones as possible. “Soon” is in a 1.5 months when I will officially wrap up part of my adulthood for a new chapter of my life in a new town who I have no one but myself. Part of me dreads this upcoming move because some of my closest people still stay, and part of me knows this move is necessary for my personal growth. Yeah, I don’t let myself be too comfortable ever.
I often said to myself that I didn’t feel as much resistance when I moved from home more than 5 years ago to the US, but looking back at my old blog posts, I actually did. I hated seeing how my life back then all boiled down to a few personal documents and two suitcases, hated knowing so well that life would go on without me, hated to come to terms with the fact that everything’d change, including myself. Now, on this very day, I find myself experiencing the exact same feelings, trying to sort my Iowa life into boxes and bags, trying to sell my first car which has brought me a whole new level of freedom, and trying to decide what I need to bring with me and what I’d have to accept to feel sad to leave behind. So maybe it will get better and I will forget about the pain of moving and saying goodbye to part of my life later, and forget so much that it’d feel like new when I have to experience it again. But next time, I hope I will come across this blog post again and will be reassured that things will be alright, and I’ve done it multiple times, so I can do it again.
In the old blog post, I told myself to stop counting the days I’d had left and start enjoying the small moments. I guess it’s about time to take my own advice…
This is not to invalidate my current feelings. This move is one of the most anxiety inducing experiences in my life so far, maybe just a bit less stressful than applying for jobs. The older I get, the more responsibility I carry, the more knowledge (and hence worries) I have, and the more prone I am to overthink. For example, a new source of stress coming along with this move is finance, which I never really had to think about before, not because I was so rich that I didn’t care, but it was I had nothing to lose so I didn’t worry. I don’t know why I start to worry about money more now than ever, and I don’t know if it will ever get better, but here’s to pat myself on the back for being a responsible adult and to reassure myself that I’m doing fine and I’ll figure it out.
I think I’m more sad about the move because many of my friends also have left or are leaving Iowa. It is a brutal reminder that life goes on, so either you keep in touch with your people or you lose them, no matter how close you are. But on the bright side, it means we will be in each other’s life no matter where we are in the world, as long as we make the effort to.
I wonder a lot about how the future will turn out to be, although it’s also fun to go with the flow and just live the moment. This year is something I never could have expected to play out the way it does – it has ups and downs and it is one of the most memorable years I’ve had. Here’s to tell myself of the future to keep holding on because after a down there will be a up, and after a bad year, a better one may come.
Well, lots of rambling already. So lastly, it will be alright, just keep believing.
Ha Vu 